18 Better Names for Movies

We all know movie titles can be deceiving. Just look at Twilight. Does Bella meet Edward at twilight? Do they allude the evil Victoria at twilight? Does anything happen at twilight? No. So I got to thinking: wouldn’t it be easier if movie titles just laid it all out there? Just like Jenna Marbles made up better names for animals, I took the liberty of renaming 18 of your favorite movies. You’re welcome, and enjoy.

1. The Chronicles of Shovel Face and Vanilla

Twilight

2. Ignorance is Bliss

StarWars

3. RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE

GirlWiththeDragonTattoo

4..  False Expectations

TheNotebook

5. Eagles: A Story of a Deus Ex Machina

LordoftheRings

6. Animal Hoarders

101Dalmatians

7. How to Lose a Girl in 500 Days

500Days

8. Anne Hathaway’s Boobs

LoveandOtherDrugs

9. The Boring Version of Lion King

Hamlet

10. Poor Decisions: The Musical

MammaMia

11.  Letting Go

Titanic

12. Grails Gone Wild

MontyPython

13. Size Matters

NuttyProfessor

14. Slutty Cinderella

PrettyWoman

15. Undercover Lovers: A Romance Pretending to be About War

Pearl Harbor

16. The How-To Spinster Guide

NeverBeenKissed

17. You’re a Deplorable, Soul-Crushing Monster

Food, Inc.

18. Oklahoma!

Twister

Oh, you’re feeling brutally honest today too? Then by all means, add your best renamed flicks to the list using the comments below. Who knows? You may be featured in the still-hypothetical Better Names for Movies Part II…

How to Write a Nicholas Sparks Novel

Couple

Want to be an instant billionaire? Of course you do. Who doesn’t? The solution is simple: write a Nicholas Sparks book!

“But I’m not an author!” you say.

That’s alright! By simply filling in the blanks using the template below, you will soon be a literary sensation and arch nemesis of reagular dude’s in relationships everywhere. What are you waiting for? Let’s get started!

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Once upon a time in (North/South) Carolina, there was a (misunderstood/quiet/angsty) man named (generic name) who enjoyed his independant, macho life by the sea. His only company was his (overly intelligent dog/kids/severely autistic father). One day, an unbelievably beautiful and (fiery/gentle/sporadic/wealthy) woman moved into town. She caught (generic name)‘s eye, and he began to pursue her despite the advice of the overly friendly, strangely tight-knit town. As expected, she turns him down. A lot. Not taking a hint, however, (generic name) pursues her further by giving her a (bike/collection of letters/rare book) that he most likely (made with his rough, calloused hands/wrote from his heart/bought just for her). Now that she feels indebted, she agrees to go (kayaking/canoeing/sailing) on a mystical (lake/swamp/river) that houses an unnatural number of white birds. Suddenly, a downpour begins out of the otherwise perfectly blue sky from earlier. The two run for shelter, but not before engaging in a steamy (intense stare/kiss/plate of whoopie). Afterwards, she realizes she acted impulsively, being swooned by the white birds, and is filled with regret. She leaves (generic name) just when crisis strikes in the form of (an abuse ex-lover/alzheimers/fire/cancer/a raging storm at sea/amnesia). Despite the odds, they survive the incident together, and realize how deep their feelings for one another run. They tell everyone of their newfound love just in time for her to die of (cancer/alzheimers/a miscarriage/a freak accident). The end.

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After you finish filling in the mad lib, simply type up the completed version in Word, add a few thousand filler words, and bam! Universal Studios just bought your book for $3 million. Congratulations! How can you repay me for my help, you ask? Oh, just following my blog is more than enough. I promise. Although royalties would be nice, too…how about 30/70? 70 me, that is. Great! I’ll be looking for that check in the mail. Thanks in advance!