Nail Polish Horoscope

Think you nail polish has nothing to do with the outcome of your day?

Think again.

1. Ruby Red

Ruby RedSimple and timeless. This is the Jennifer Aniston of finger nails, meaning you can literally do no wrong. Like Rachel Green, your charm and beauty will carry you far this week – but beware! Your shallow vanity will blind you today and cause you to miss your lobster. Forever. Sucks to suck.

2. Full French

Full FrenchWhoa, Kate Middleton – cool your jets! We know you’re basically the pinnacle of high class, but this isn’t the high school prom. A flawless combination of power and poise, you take what you want like the honey badger. But honey badger don’t care, and your apathy is going to get the best of you today. Do you care? Nope. You’ve got plenty of cobra to last all week.

3. Colored French Tip

Colored French TipYou are everything the honey badger French tip is not – like Kate Middleton’s booty-short wearing, loud-mouthed little sister. Somehow, men will find your wild side confusing yet compelling, so be sure to shave your legs in the morning. After exchanging cross words with a loved one today, you will impulsively pay for a barbed wired tattoo. The crazy part? You won’t even regret it.

4. Odd Man Out

Odd Man OutWelcome, Millenials! How was that Cosmo guide to nail couture? Good? Good. Today you’re going to totally LOL at your BFFs snapchat right before skipping your digital marketing class. You’re also going to blow your last $4 on one tiny little bottle of polish to use exclusively on your ring finger. Enjoy your chicken-flavored Ramen. YOLO.

5. Texturized

TexturizedGlitter, fuzzy, magnetized…no texture is off limits. If you’re not nine years old, then you’re probably going through a “phase” – somewhere between bangs and colored eyeliner. Odds are, you’ll be dying a small strip of hair to a Mandy Moore soundtrack this evening, so get the bleach ready. There’s a fine line between playful and pitiful – let someone else worry about finding it.

6. Back to Black

Back to Black

Your nails are as dark as your soul, and today, not a care will be given. You will ask yourself, what would King Jeoffrey do? And then you will do it. There’s a good chance you’re going to make out with a total stranger mid-afternoon, so be sure to toss some Lifesavers in your Steve Madden studded satchel. Oh, and please call your mom. She’s worried about you.

7. Pinteresting

PinterestingAmbitious is a good word for you. Although it took you two and half hours to paint all the Winnie the Pooh characters on each nubby little nail, you didn’t give up. No, sir. Sure, Pooh actually looks like his namesake – the mustard-stained contents of an infant’s diaper. But you’ll bounce back. Also, looks like you’ll be creating a DIY boho chandelier from old T-shirts this afternoon. Good luck.

8. Naked

NakedYesterday you peeled off every last bit of shellac because you’re sassy and cannot be tamed. In an effort to hide those Freddy Kreuger claws, you thought you’d just casually slap six layers of nude on your flaky digs. Nice try. Your piss-poor nails will cause you to get into a fight with your significant other today because – again – sassy and can’t be tamed.

9. Diamond in the Rough

Diamond in the RoughYou want a Lamborghini. Sip martinis. Look hot in a bikini. Yeah…unfortunately you’re not Britney Spears. Sorry ’bout that. If you’ve got more than one rhinestone per nail, you best drive yourself back to XPress Nails and cozy up with a bottle of acetone.  Watch out! If you don’t, your coworker will go blind today – probably because your nails are brighter than Rhianna’s “Diamonds”.

10. Metallic

MetallicYou’ve never seen a diamond in the flesh, and you have no idea what it means to cut your teeth on wedding rings in the movie. But – oh – you know you want to. Started at the bottom now we (still) here. That bad-a attitude will take you places, so listen to Journey and don’t stop believing. Like Gwen Stefani, you too will be a rich girl. Soon.

For more poorly-based predictions, check out the follow underwear horoscope by Jenna Marbles.

DIY Disney Nails

After finding inspiration on a Disney video blog, I simply had to try my hand at replicating these DIY Disney nails. While Disney may not captivate you the way it does me, you can always substitute it for…well, anything. For this project, I summoned the help of my good friend and newly discovered hand model, Hannah Pickrel. So whether you’re combing for sleepover ideas, procrastinating an essay, or (if you’re a guy) trying to figure out what in God’s green Earth is happening here, stay tuned. Hopefully you’ll find these Disney Nails as magical as I do.

1. After removing any previous polish and applying a standard base-coat, paint all of the nails white.

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2. After the white has completely dried, apply a coat of silver glittered polish on the tips of the nails, omitting the ring finger. Begin on the very ends of the nails and work your way up gradually to the half-way point.

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3. Once that has dried, use a gold glitter polish to apply two coats in the same way. You want the glitter to accumulate most at the end of the nails and dissolve upward.

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4. Now that 8 of your fingers are finished, its’ time to address that empty slate of a ring finger. For this project, you’re going to need some buy some Disney tattoos at Wally World. Cut the tattoo of your choice to fit the size of your nail (if you’re doing a princess, try using just the face.)

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5. Apply the tattoo directly onto your fingernail just as you would to your skin, using a wet cloth or paper towel. Once you remove the paper, tuck any remaining tatoo underneath the nail.

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Voila! You’re nails are officially Disneytized.

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When they’re finished, you’ll be as happy as Hannah! Well, hopefully.

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