15 Times Nigel Thornberry Totally Got Your Life

1. Every time you walk into a Barnes and Noble.

2. The first time you were ALL about that bass.

3. HOLD UP. Did someone say Pumpkin Spice Latte?

4. You + Ulta + Marc Jacobs Perfume =

5. Whaaaaaat?! Your crush is going to that party? You totally had NO idea. #WokeUpLikeThis

6. Grandma has used “Surprise Kiss” attack. WHOA! It’s SUPER effective. Critical hit!

7. Pop Culture 101: This is a milkshake. It brings all the boys to the yard.

8. Remember that moment when you suddenly realized that your ex looks like Janet Reno?

9. Don’t lie. We all know an ugly baby. #RealTalk #SoPrecious

10. Two words. Ned Stark.

11. Why yes, I DID get a haircut. Thank you for noticing!

12. Oh, this? It’s just my new Bath and Body Works shower gel. You couldn’t afford it.

13. C’mon. We’ve all had at least one bad experience with Google.

14. That awkward moment when you pretend to be Ariel in your dog’s outdoor kiddie pool.

15. Remember when you read that super weird but totally hilarious Nigel Thornberry blog post?

Michael Scott’s 10 Tips for Successful Living

World’s Best Boss, rabies philanthropist, poopball prodigy. Michael Scott is highly accomplished in the art of life, and his wisdom has inspired countless others over the years. Today, for the first time ever, Michael Scott breaks his silence and shares the 10 Scranton secrets for successful living.

1. Confidence is key. Never be afraid to highlight your best qualities.

2. Know how you want to be perceived by others.

3. Through thick and thin, stay grounded in your beliefs.

4. Problems are inevitable. Always take responsibility for your mistakes.

5. When speaking to others, always use encouraging, supportive words.

6. Acknowledge your shortcomings.

7. Have a role model. Don’t be afraid to look to others for inspiration.

8. A healthy diet is a must in leading a well-balanced life.

9. Never be afraid to share your opinions with those you care about.

10. Last but not least, be true to yourself. No matter what.

For more advice on living well, check out Harry Potter’s guide to school exams or Zooey Deschanel’s rules of being a modern woman.

Nail Polish Horoscope

Think you nail polish has nothing to do with the outcome of your day?

Think again.

1. Ruby Red

Ruby RedSimple and timeless. This is the Jennifer Aniston of finger nails, meaning you can literally do no wrong. Like Rachel Green, your charm and beauty will carry you far this week – but beware! Your shallow vanity will blind you today and cause you to miss your lobster. Forever. Sucks to suck.

2. Full French

Full FrenchWhoa, Kate Middleton – cool your jets! We know you’re basically the pinnacle of high class, but this isn’t the high school prom. A flawless combination of power and poise, you take what you want like the honey badger. But honey badger don’t care, and your apathy is going to get the best of you today. Do you care? Nope. You’ve got plenty of cobra to last all week.

3. Colored French Tip

Colored French TipYou are everything the honey badger French tip is not – like Kate Middleton’s booty-short wearing, loud-mouthed little sister. Somehow, men will find your wild side confusing yet compelling, so be sure to shave your legs in the morning. After exchanging cross words with a loved one today, you will impulsively pay for a barbed wired tattoo. The crazy part? You won’t even regret it.

4. Odd Man Out

Odd Man OutWelcome, Millenials! How was that Cosmo guide to nail couture? Good? Good. Today you’re going to totally LOL at your BFFs snapchat right before skipping your digital marketing class. You’re also going to blow your last $4 on one tiny little bottle of polish to use exclusively on your ring finger. Enjoy your chicken-flavored Ramen. YOLO.

5. Texturized

TexturizedGlitter, fuzzy, magnetized…no texture is off limits. If you’re not nine years old, then you’re probably going through a “phase” – somewhere between bangs and colored eyeliner. Odds are, you’ll be dying a small strip of hair to a Mandy Moore soundtrack this evening, so get the bleach ready. There’s a fine line between playful and pitiful – let someone else worry about finding it.

6. Back to Black

Back to Black

Your nails are as dark as your soul, and today, not a care will be given. You will ask yourself, what would King Jeoffrey do? And then you will do it. There’s a good chance you’re going to make out with a total stranger mid-afternoon, so be sure to toss some Lifesavers in your Steve Madden studded satchel. Oh, and please call your mom. She’s worried about you.

7. Pinteresting

PinterestingAmbitious is a good word for you. Although it took you two and half hours to paint all the Winnie the Pooh characters on each nubby little nail, you didn’t give up. No, sir. Sure, Pooh actually looks like his namesake – the mustard-stained contents of an infant’s diaper. But you’ll bounce back. Also, looks like you’ll be creating a DIY boho chandelier from old T-shirts this afternoon. Good luck.

8. Naked

NakedYesterday you peeled off every last bit of shellac because you’re sassy and cannot be tamed. In an effort to hide those Freddy Kreuger claws, you thought you’d just casually slap six layers of nude on your flaky digs. Nice try. Your piss-poor nails will cause you to get into a fight with your significant other today because – again – sassy and can’t be tamed.

9. Diamond in the Rough

Diamond in the RoughYou want a Lamborghini. Sip martinis. Look hot in a bikini. Yeah…unfortunately you’re not Britney Spears. Sorry ’bout that. If you’ve got more than one rhinestone per nail, you best drive yourself back to XPress Nails and cozy up with a bottle of acetone.  Watch out! If you don’t, your coworker will go blind today – probably because your nails are brighter than Rhianna’s “Diamonds”.

10. Metallic

MetallicYou’ve never seen a diamond in the flesh, and you have no idea what it means to cut your teeth on wedding rings in the movie. But – oh – you know you want to. Started at the bottom now we (still) here. That bad-a attitude will take you places, so listen to Journey and don’t stop believing. Like Gwen Stefani, you too will be a rich girl. Soon.

For more poorly-based predictions, check out the follow underwear horoscope by Jenna Marbles.

S*#! Students Say Part II

As you may recall, I wrote a post in May called S*#! Students Say, chronicling the unbelievably stupid and completely true things I’ve heard students say around campus. Shocking stuff, right? Well, now that the fall semester is upon us, it seems like the perfect time for the long-awaited sequel, don’t you think? I agree.

In the first post, I asked for your craziest quotes, and you delivered! Three of today’s fabulous quips came from readers, so props to those of you willing to share your s*#! with the world. Keep it up, and thanks for reading! As a final reminder, all of the quotes are real and free of fabrication.

So, without further ado, I give you “S*#! Students Say Part II.” Enjoy.

***

Sorority Girl: Hey, Jessica! Psssst! What’s the plural of moose? It’s meese, right?

 ***

Stereotypical freshmen girl (to boy beside her): My goal is to learn everyone’s name by the end of the semester!

Boy : This is a 200-student lecture.

Freshman:

 

 ***

From SaraAnneThinks:

Girl: If I were a beard, I would be that guy’s beard.

Guy: If you were a beard, I would shave you.

Girl: Well, I wouldn’t live on your face!

 ***

Girl: Were you on royal baby watch?!

Me: No.

Girl: Ugh, I was. I absolutely lost it when the prince was born. I mean, I cried for like a good ten minutes.

Me:

Stupidity

***

Embarrassment to Womankind: That assignment was SO hard.

Friend: Oh gosh, I’m sorry. Why was it so hard? Did he not explain it or anything?

Embarrassment: He did. It’s just that we had to find the slope.

Friend:

 ***

From Jim:

Guy: So your an English major. Right?

Girl: Yea, that’s right.

Guy: So are you going to be a teacher when your graduate?


Girl: Oh no, I want to be a neurosurgeon.

Guy: Wow, that’s really cool. So your taking pre-med stuff in addition to your English major?


Girl: No.

Guy: No? How will you become a neurosurgeon?

Girl: Probably never will, I just like to set my goals really high…..

FacePalm

 ***

Typical White Girl at Starbucks #1: Guys, I’m gonna’ treat myself today! Hmmmm. What should I get? I know it’s like SO bad for you, but I’m gonna’ get a cheese Danish.

Typical White Girl at Starbucks #2: That’s disgusting!

Typical White Girl at Starbucks #1: Gross? It’s a pastry with cream cheese in it. How could that possibly be gross?

Typical White Girl at Starbucks #2: Oh! I thought it was like real cheese.

Typical White Girl at Starbucks #1: Emily. Cream cheese is real cheese.

Typical White Girl at Starbucks #2:

Karen

 ***

From Robyn:

Girl #1: “I didn’t like that movie so much. The abortion scene grossed me out.”

Girl #2: “Abortion? You mean where she had a C-Section?”

Girl #1: “Whatever. I mean, like, what’s the difference?”

 ***

Have you heard some s*#! around campus? Then share your most craziest quotes in the comment! Who knows? There may just be a part III in the future. And of course, as always, for more laughs at the expense of others, be sure to follow my blog!