12 Things No One Tells You About Owning a Cat

Last week, I celebrated my first anniversary as a co-cat owner. Hooray! As I reflect upon my year with Oliver, I am reminded of a time when I knew absolutely nothing about cats. I mean, zilch. I’ve learned in our 53 weeks together, and here are a few highlights for your enlightenment and education.

1. Cats are not dogs.

Drop some food? Don’t worry. Your cat will bat it into some impossible-to-reach place, where it will inevitably rot into a liquid pile of fermented gross.

2. Underwear = Hammock 

Last week my cat tried to nap in my underpants while I was getting dressed for work. True story.

3. Spray bottles are everything. 

God forbid a single drop of water land near your cat, and you’ve got an impromptu exorcism on your hands.

4. Cats LOVE parkour. 

Nothing says “Good morning, my gracious and loving owner” like a parkour stunt over the breakfast table.

 

5. Boxes.

This pretty much sums it up.

6. Faces are for sleeping.

Thanks for the outrageously expensive designer cat bed, Dad. Too bad it’s not your face.

7. Walks are no.

You’ve got a better shot at finding the lost city of Atlantis than walking your cat to the front door.

8. Cats have no shame. 

Me: Oliver, do not scratch my new Bassett Hound sofa. Oliver. OLIVER. Do you hear me?

Oliver: Stares right into my eyes and drags his Edward Scissorclaws across my precious white linen furniture.

9. Purrs.

Eleven years ago, Hilary Duff asked us what dreams are made of. I think we know now.

10. Cats are all the laughs.

Both Internet and real.

 

11. Head butts mean “I love you”.

Apparently the clashing of skulls is a foreign feline sign of affection. Try to be tolerant of this painful ritual like a cultured human being.

12. It only takes one.

Cats. Clawing into hearts across the world since since 7486 BCE.

Those Funny Felines

 These days it seems there’s a constant menacing laughter in my head. Satan? Worse. Finals. Even if you’re not in college, you’ve likely got your own demons to tackle. Every so often we all need to escape with a  little five minute pick-me-up. No, no, not vodka. I mean cat pictures.

That’s right, cat pictures. They’re taking the world by storm, I tell you. I don’t care if you’re 4 or 72, nothing can bring a smile to your face like a cat submerged in water or dolled up in little rainboots. If you’re thinking I’ve finally danced off the cliff of sanity, I challenge you to get through this blog post without cracking a smile. Should you succeed, you may want to contact your local geologist because you have a heart of stone.

Now, to save you from pouring over countless Google pages dedicated to cats and their peculiar ways, I went on a Pinterest/Google/Twitter scavenger hunt to find you the pawsitively funniest of felines. Without further ado, my top 5 cat memes:

5. Dirty Dan the Cat

There’s just something about a creepster cat that just really gets my goat.

4. Story-time

 A cat in a blanket reading Winnie the Pooh. Please, it’s too much.

3. Kitten Bouquet

Look at their little arms! They just say, “Yay! A kitten bouquet!” Yes, kitten bouquet, I will love you. Each and every one.

2. Charles

Oh, Charles. We know it’s a wig.

1. Uncle Sylvester

“Why yes, I would like some tea while I watch the Lawrence Welks Show. Thank you,” said Uncle Sylvester the cat.

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Think you can top my showcase? Feel free to add to the archives meow with your own purrfectly amusing photos.