12 Things No One Tells You About Owning a Cat

Last week, I celebrated my first anniversary as a co-cat owner. Hooray! As I reflect upon my year with Oliver, I am reminded of a time when I knew absolutely nothing about cats. I mean, zilch. I’ve learned in our 53 weeks together, and here are a few highlights for your enlightenment and education.

1. Cats are not dogs.

Drop some food? Don’t worry. Your cat will bat it into some impossible-to-reach place, where it will inevitably rot into a liquid pile of fermented gross.

2. Underwear = Hammock 

Last week my cat tried to nap in my underpants while I was getting dressed for work. True story.

3. Spray bottles are everything. 

God forbid a single drop of water land near your cat, and you’ve got an impromptu exorcism on your hands.

4. Cats LOVE parkour. 

Nothing says “Good morning, my gracious and loving owner” like a parkour stunt over the breakfast table.

 

5. Boxes.

This pretty much sums it up.

6. Faces are for sleeping.

Thanks for the outrageously expensive designer cat bed, Dad. Too bad it’s not your face.

7. Walks are no.

You’ve got a better shot at finding the lost city of Atlantis than walking your cat to the front door.

8. Cats have no shame. 

Me: Oliver, do not scratch my new Bassett Hound sofa. Oliver. OLIVER. Do you hear me?

Oliver: Stares right into my eyes and drags his Edward Scissorclaws across my precious white linen furniture.

9. Purrs.

Eleven years ago, Hilary Duff asked us what dreams are made of. I think we know now.

10. Cats are all the laughs.

Both Internet and real.

 

11. Head butts mean “I love you”.

Apparently the clashing of skulls is a foreign feline sign of affection. Try to be tolerant of this painful ritual like a cultured human being.

12. It only takes one.

Cats. Clawing into hearts across the world since since 7486 BCE.

Why My Cat is Basically Rapunzel

1. He has the golden locks of a god.

Fur

Take a minute and lose yourself inside those sweet, thick locks of angel baby fur. Go ahead, I’ll wait. It’s actually rumored that his marvelous mane hails straight from the head of the mighty Zeus himself. Like Rapunzel, those golden curls are his crowning glory. Oh, and in case you were wondering, he’s a natural blonde.

2. He is the long lost heir to a long line of royalty.

King

Okay, I made this one up. But doesn’t he just look so stately? More regal than Julie Andrews, I’d say.

3. He’s not allowed outside.

Apparently there are indoor and outdoor cats, and the two cannot be mixed. I think it has to do with vaccines or something, but I’m no cat whisperer. Every morning, as I wiggle myself out of thinly cracked door into the glorious sunlight, Oliver is forced to stare in torturous wonder from his sofa-top perch at the world beyond. Basically, I’m his evil Mother Gothel. Hooray.

4. Those impossibly large, heart-warming eyes.

Eyes

Okay. Rapunzel’s are green while Oliver’s are blue, but would you look at those eyes?! It probably takes like 20 calories just to blink. There will be none of those witchy, devil-diamond cat eyes in this house. No, sir. In fact, if you stare into his pupils, you can spot little baby unicorns, prancing on rainbows eating clouds of cotton candy. Those magical eyes could even take down even the toughtest ogre.

Without boots.

5. He can charm even the toughest heart.

Really, the video says it best.