Boyfriend Does My Makeup Fail

On one of my typical Jenna Marble’s video binges, I came across this glorious treasure called “Boyfriend Does My Makeup.” If there’s one thing I’ve learned from America’s Funniest Home Videos, it’s that anything which makes a man look like a total idiot is bound to be hilarious. It’s a scientific fact, and this video is no exception. In case you haven’t had a chance to see the original, here it is:

I gawked at the horrendous Franken-Cover-Girl that Max No Sleeves created and thought to myself, my boyfriend is super savvy and well-rounded in bizarre skills. I bet he could put Max No Sleeves to shame. So on a random weeknight, while in one of those weird moods where things like living-room-gymnastics seems like a good idea, I talked him into doing my makeup. What could go wrong, here? He’s a 22-year-old man, not a toddler. I laid out the arsenal, sticking to the basics, and let him go to work.

arsenal

It went something like this…

Him: “I know how lipstick works, so I’m going to start with that.”

Me: “Whatever you think.”

Too few seconds later…

Him: “There. It’s not too bad.”

I turn to  the mirror.

lipstick

Me: “Should you maybe clean that up a little?”

Him: “Nah, I think it looks pretty good.”

Despite the horror I decided not to say anything, as that’s the first rule of the game. Then, without warning, disaster struck. With the lipstick turned all the way up, I watched in slow motion as he slowly shoved the cap down over my $22 Lancome lipstick.

To cry was futile. It was too late.

Note: the faint of heart should turn away now. The crime scene evidence shown below may not be suitable for all audiences.

Crime Scene

Half my lipstick was jammed into the cap like marmalade, and I couldn’t even be mad. I suggested the game; I gave him expensive makeup; I stupidly suggested a bad idea for a cheap blog post. After mutual consent to end the game, I tried furiously, furiously, to talk him into letting me do his makeup, but that flag didn’t fly. Of course, that too was based on a Jenna Marble’s video…

So here’s the moral, kids: Y Chromosome + Makeup = Toddler + Makeup. Just use the Walgreen’s stuff. There’s a time and a place for Boyfriend Does My Makeup, and while it may not have been last Wednesday during Swamp People, I’m confident the time will come. Stay tuned, friends, because Boyfriend Does My Makeup Part II will soon be coming to a theater near you.

P.S. Think your man has what it takes? Try the challenge for yourself, and post your results below.

P.P.S. Have you followed my blog yet? Click “Follow” at the top of the page to receive regular, unobnoxious updates on my blog!

Ultimate Valentine’s Playlist

With just 7 days until Valentine’s Day, it’s time to start the preparations. Dust off your Nicholas Sparks collection and buy yourself a box (or two) of Russel Stovers. More importantly, it’s time to sift through your iTunes library in search of those sappy songs that melt your heart and trigger your gag reflex.

They’re the songs you love to hate, cheesy enough to make fondue. Whether you’ll be crying into a bottle of wine or getting down with your inner Barry White, nothing sets the mood like a Valentine’s playlist from those who know estrogen-targeted romance best: boy bands.  As an early Valentine’s gift from me to you, here’s a playlist of the best worst boy band love songs. If you think the songs are bad, just wait until you see the music videos. Click the pictures to see for yourself.

Note: This program contains toxic amount of sappy romanticism, which can lead to vomiting. Viewer discretion is advised.

song1

Title: I Swear

Artist: All-4-One

Year: 1994

song2

Title: I Do

Artist: 98 Degrees

Year: 2000

song4

Title: Little Things

Artist: One Direction

Year: 2012

son8

Title: One

Artist: Brian McKnight

Year: 2000

song6

Title: God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You

Artist: N*Sync

Year: 1998

song3

Title: Make Love to You

Artist: Boyz II Men

Year: 1994

song7

Title: I Knew I Loved You

Artist: Savage Garden

Year: 1999

I realize many of these are 90s boys bands, but what can I say? The boys of the 90s know what’s up. Men, come a little closer. We’re about to have a heart-to-heart. No matter what they tell you, all women love boy bands. It’s coded onto that second X chromosome. If you’re feeling romantic, why not serenade that special someone with a little boy band bliss? Oh, you sing like William Hung? In that case, stick with a mixed tape. It’s sweet; it’s sexy; it says “I love you like a love song,” and what’s better than that?

No matter what you have planned for the big day, make sure to leave a little one-on-one time with the boys of N*Sync, One Direction, and Savage Garden. Remember, they loved you before they even met you. That, friends, is what Valentine’s Day is all about.

How to be a Woman

Throughout the years I’ve collected countless morsels of sweet insight into the shrouded mystery that is “being a woman”. Without the inspirational wisdom from my grandmother, mother, friends, and idols like Tina Fey I simply wouldn’t be the woman I am today. Come closer, friends, for today I’m going to share with the most prized gems from my collection of wisdom, the 6 secrets of thriving in a woman’s world.

Tan fat is prettier than pale fat. –Mom

Shallow? Maybe. True? You bet. If you’re not going to invest time in going to the gym, then you better be putting in time in bed. The tanning bed, that is.

white fat

A sugar-free life is no life at all. –Grandma

According to Grandma, it’s perfectly okay to eat the non-sugar-free pie at Pioneer Pies despite an upcoming, rather important blood test. The woman’s got priorities.

sugary pie

It’s okay to go out with a guy even if you’re not that into him. It’s like boy coupons. – Danielle Vinnedge

Let’s be honest. Whether we want to admit it or not, we’re all guilty. You may use the “maybe he’ll grow on me” or “it’s just casual” justification, but when it comes down to it he’s no more than a coupon in a Lacoste polo.

coupon man

In a public restroom, always hold your feet up so no one knows you’re in the stall. – Alyssa Baker

According to Alyssa Baker, there’s actually an entire (mentally unpublished) book on bathroom etiquette, and this little tidbit would be the back cover.

stall feet

It’s okay to spend all of your money on foundation if it looks good. – Mom

Me: I probably could have fed Ethiopia for what that makeup costs. I can’t keep it.

Mom: Do you live in Ethiopia?

Me: No.

Mom: Does it look good?

Me: Yes.

Mom: So, what’s the problem here?

 foundation

True love is finding someone who loves you and your crotch biscuits. – Tina Fey

Crotch biscuit: the flabby triangles of fat between your thighs.

crotch biscuit

Want to help others through this labyrinth of feminine mystique? Share your own bits of womanly wisdom below!